Somewhere Between Home and School: What's Happening to Our Children?

 By Don Allen 

Saturday night left me thinking about a question that educators, parents, and community leaders should all be asking: What is happening to our children?

As I looked outside my home, I noticed five teenagers running from house to house in my neighborhood. They eventually entered an apartment building before making their way into my neighbor's backyard. Concerned about what I was seeing, I walked outside and asked, "Hey, you guys, what are you doing back there? What's going on?" One of the teenagers replied, "We're hiding. Someone's trying to kill us." I responded by telling them they couldn't be hiding in someone else's backyard because it was private property. I asked whether they wanted me to call the police. Instead of hearing respect or even an explanation, one of the teenagers responded by cursing at me.

That encounter lasted less than a minute, but it represented something much larger than five young people trespassing. It reminded me of conversations I have had with countless teachers, principals, and school staff throughout my career in education. Many educators have been told to "shut the fuck up." Others have been called vulgar names or threatened with bodily harm simply for enforcing school rules or asking students to behave appropriately. Unfortunately, these incidents are no longer isolated. They have become increasingly common in schools across America.

The public often wonders why schools struggle with discipline, teacher retention, and declining academic performance. While there are many contributing factors, one issue receives far less attention than it deserves: somewhere between home and school, we have stopped teaching children that respect for others is a fundamental expectation. Schools are increasingly expected to teach reading, writing, mathematics, emotional regulation, conflict resolution, nutrition, and mental health while simultaneously filling the gaps left by weakened family structures and inconsistent parenting. That is an impossible assignment.

This is not an argument about race. The teenagers I encountered happened to be Black because of the neighborhood where I live, but I have witnessed the same behavior from students of every racial and ethnic background during my years as an educator. The problem is not race; the problem is a culture that increasingly celebrates defiance while treating courtesy, responsibility, and accountability as outdated ideas.

For decades, neighborhoods functioned as extensions of the family. Adults corrected children who misbehaved, and parents generally supported those corrections. Children understood there were consequences for disrespecting adults. Today, many neighbors hesitate to intervene because they fear verbal abuse, physical confrontation, or even criticism from parents who refuse to hold their own children accountable. As a result, many young people have learned that authority exists only when it can be enforced, not because it deserves respect.

Schools cannot solve this problem alone. Teachers cannot replace parents, principals cannot replace fathers, and counselors cannot replace mothers. Schools exist to educate children, but they cannot undo years of inconsistent discipline or a lack of clear expectations at home. When students enter classrooms believing that every direction is negotiable and every consequence is unfair, instructional time disappears and classrooms become places of conflict rather than learning.

Research consistently demonstrates that children thrive when adults establish high expectations while also providing consistent support and encouragement. Love without boundaries is not compassion; it is permissiveness. Likewise, discipline without care is ineffective. Children need both accountability and affirmation. They need adults who are willing to tell them "no" when necessary and who care enough to prepare them for adulthood rather than simply keeping them comfortable.

Communities also have a responsibility to reclaim their role in shaping young people. We cannot expect police officers, teachers, or school administrators to be the only adults who correct inappropriate behavior. Healthy communities depend on adults who are willing to model integrity, respect, and responsibility while expecting those same qualities from the next generation. Remaining silent in the face of disrespect only allows it to become normalized.

The five teenagers I encountered Saturday night may never remember our brief conversation, but I will. What I saw was not simply a group of young people hiding in a backyard. I saw the result of years of missed opportunities to teach respect, responsibility, and accountability. I also saw the same attitudes that many educators confront every day in classrooms across this country.

Our children are not born disrespectful. They learn those behaviors from the environments around them. The encouraging news is that respect, self-control, empathy, and responsibility can also be taught. However, those lessons must begin at home and be reinforced by schools, faith communities, neighborhood organizations, and caring adults who refuse to lower expectations.

Somewhere between home and school, we have lost our way. If we truly want safer neighborhoods, stronger schools, and better academic outcomes, we must stop asking schools to solve problems that begin long before children enter a classroom. We must restore a culture that teaches respect, values accountability, and understands that preparing children for adulthood requires both love and discipline. Until we do, we should not be surprised when the disrespect seen in our neighborhoods follows our children into our classrooms and, eventually, into society itself.